Why Are You Here?

Silent Night , Lonely Night

There is something which I don’t know whether I should say or keep it close to my heart. I’m afraid of the repressions that should follow ( if any ) if I post thisthought on the blog. But I decided since I’m not mentioning any name, since it’s my blog and therefore I should have the right to post anything as long as it don’t harm others reputation, it should be okay.

And here it starts:

Doing my duty at TDS often leave me alone at night in wee hours with plenty of time to ponder what if things turned out differently, what if I didn’t over-react, what if I can control my emotion well, what if.. There can be a million and one possibilities but still the ending may still be the same. At this moment where I can bravely say I let my mind rule over my heart, this is not often the case where I’m doing duty at 1 -2 am in the morning or when I’m resting in my bunk tossing and turning at night…trying very hard not to send any form of communication to One True Love. You may have wondered why? Why can’t I send SMS or call One True Love? Why must I restrict myself in this manner? The answer is actually very simple. It’s because long long time ago, I promised to One True Love I shall not contact her again ever until I sort myself out what am I really thinking, what I really want. Another possible reason might be a strong determination to preserve my pride after she said I’m immature..even after entering the ARMY. Nah Beh Choy Barney. I think any self-respecting male will not be able to accept this. What have the army got to do with the emotional aspect of the males in Singapore. You don’t fall in love with SAF would you? You don’t go looking around managing your EQ because SAF is not an institution for the intellectual unless you are a scholar. It is a place for the “brave and garang but definitely not for the pussy’ as what they always like to show in the advertisement.

And so the avoidance started just like the scene in “My Sassy Girl” where the male and female lead lose contact with each other for 3 long years until they saw each other again at the restaurant upon his aunt insistence to introduce her dead son’s girlfriend to him. But of course reel life is different from real life. We didn’t contact each other anymore. MSN, ICQ were blocked. SMS were not reply. Actually I felt it’s not a bad thing after all because there will be less trouble for all of us. Life will continue to be peaceful. No one will be shackled with the burden of emotions. There will be no more unhappiness and apologies after every “immature action” I have done.

People say “absence make the heart grow fonder”. This is not true in my case for my any other friends but for One True Love, it is especially true. I don’t understand why I’m especially infatuated with her when our character are so opposing to each other. I don’t understand why I can’t put her aside and move on to greener part of the pasture. I do not have any valid explanations for the above stated behavior.But what I understand currently right now is; I am determined to continue letting my logical mind rule over my illogical heart and let the present state continue because of the age old theory “if it’s ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. I actually take pride in every other day I am able to resist the temptation to send any SMS or such to One True Love so as not to “rock the boat in the calm water” and I hope this shall continue for a very long time. period

posted by Immortali @ 11:42 pm