Why Are You Here?

A Letter, From Me To You

Dear One True Love,

During trying times, it is common for people to find a pillar of strength for support and provide the final push to accomplish difficult task or objectives. And during trying period, people may also act irrationally with their behavior without knowing and understanding the reason why.

I look towards you as my pillar and source of strength during the 1^st year of my NS Life. As mentioned earlier in previous post, I did not have an easy time making the transition from civilian to military life and a series of knee injuries during tough training didn’t help at all. My mental strength was weak. I didn’t want to be alone when I felt depressed over the wretched state of life during that period. You offered me opportunity after opportunity to be my listening ear but unfortunately, because of my unreasonable behavior and expectation of you, you distanced away from me. I was confused about what and where I did wrong. I didn’t want to admit defeat about the thought of losing you to others even though I’m not sure about my own feelings for you. Call it selfish or whatsoever, it was certainly beyond my control during that period of time when others more pressing matter are on hand to tackle.

But because of your absence, I was forced to grow up and helped myself. I was forced to mature faster than ever. I push you towards the back of my mind while I trained myself hard physically and mentally together with my fellow buddies. I pushed myself to believe I have to build my own happiness instead of relying on others. I pushed myself to believe I must love myself more than others. (Notice I use the word “love” instead of “put” because it means selfish and I don’t mean that)

After closed to 10 months of tough training, I got posted to my current unit where current conditions have improved greatly. Life is getting better and in a way, I’ve changed and adapted. I no longer need people to be around me when I’m lonely just because I can feel better with them around.

And even if I’m feeling upset or down, I wear it on my sleeve and still go out and mix with my friends without lamenting about my predicament. This may be a side-effect of better mental self-discipline. I learnt to look things at a positive point of view. I began to give up things which I have no use for. I started to take things for a pinch of salt and suck it up like a man.

But perhaps I wish to escape from the harsh fact you can’t be around my side forever and to prevent myself from hurting/accusing you further with my headstrong character, I made a promise in the past not to have any contact with you ever again. You were extremely angry/piss off when I failed to keep my promise. It made me very guilty myself when I know I broke the rules time after time. And that’s the reason why I felt I always own you something, why I don’t dare to lift my head up and look into your eyes when we saw each other at XX birthday party.

But with time, the guilt will began to lessen. Mistakes made will be forgiven. Even though if you may not have forgiven me, this time round; I decide to forgive myself because after all, I didn’t really commit any atrocious crimes nor did anything despicable towards you. That being such, I have decided not to honor my promises anymore because time and circumstances have changed greatly since that period of difficult times. This does not exactly mean I will take up the initiative to resume contact with you. I’m sure you have no wish for that either. I will leave things the way it is right now. I have my life and you have yours. What I really hope for is that we will still be able to call out or acknowledge each other presence when we cross each other path if there is an opportunity. Surely I guess this is not too much to ask for?

I shall end here by wishing you success in life, stay healthy and pretty as ever.

Sincerely Yours: Alex

Ps:I kept having recurring dreams about One True Love. I read in Reader Digest which stated “Recurring dreams or nightmares might indicate a person has an unresolved issue or trauma in their past.” Well I guess it’s time to confront and solve the matter head on for if not she will appear in my dream every now and then and leaves me with a bitter taste whenever I woke up after the dream.

posted by Immortali @ 11:04 pm