I think I have been lifted up from my self-depressed state...I don't dread morning/daylight anymore..there is a slightly little more spring in my steps but nevertheless it is still weak.
Thanks everyone for your concern. There are so many considerations and thoughts running through my mind and it is only till this week that I have come out with what I believed the best route that is available for me.
I hope my decisions are correct. There ain't enough chances for people to keep making mistakes...
Meanwhile, I will still go ahead and sit for the exam. An opening should always be follow with a ending. I know it may be meaningless and the result may or may not matters that much but I know I try my best to finish the year on a high.
Once again, a thousand thanks for all buddies around me who have been witnessing my depressed state and constantly giving me support throughout these few weeks. Let's fight the exam battle together hor..
As everyone gets older, it seems that responsiblities also get heavier..you have to worry about this, worry about that, think about this, think about that and at times I really do like to make up my mind on the spot but hesitate again because I'm not really sure whether am I making the right choice..no Iam not refering to my withdrawing issues but to life in general.
Hence I seek my solace and comfort in reading. I just came upon this book featuring our former late president Mr Wee Kim Wee and I learnt a couple of lessons in it. However, at this point of time I'm typing this, my mind is in a blank and I am wondering what the hell am I doing this when I could be sleeping so I can wake up earlier "today" morning to study...here i am getting all depressed again...
Everyone around me is stressed that the exam is around the corner. I'm not really quite sure whether i can handle the stress yet again. I am secretly having a fear of having a mental breakdown during the exam period but you know the book inside have this phrase:" let it be.. "
and all thru my life I know I am not exactly that smart anyway and I have been accomplishing minor stuffs putting in double the effort of others so I really wish to convince myself it's really OK this time if I tried my best yet fail my modules.
I think the taste of failure a really a damn bitter pill to be swallow in december.
I'm tired..I hope I don't wake up again at 8am today morning because I don't get back to sleep easily after I woke up. My mind will be in a overun whenever it become active.
Take care dude..live a day at a time
I am not too happy about the pathetic state of my life right now.
I know I'm losing the real me.
My morale is at all time low.
My self-confidence is a big fat zero.
I am gonna change all these when december approaches.
but first before that, I must try and put in effort to defeat the exam monster
and not succumb to any "mental illnesss" before it even start.
Wish me well would you?
Sometimes when I realised I got such enormous amount of work to catch up, I will start hyperventilating, my body temperature will increase, my breathing start to get heavier and most often the only remedy is to.....open my book and study.
So the quizzes are over..so far I have failed 1, I think I am going to fail another soon, confirm can pass 1 comfortably, 1 result unknown because the bloody tutor refuse to divulge anything..
I think there must be something wrong with my study method for the effort put in does not equal to the output or perhaps to put it in a cruder way, I might be "plain stupid" in a Instituition of Higher Learning...
Ever since the start of the semester, I have been thinking and exploring options on what am I gonna to do if I managed to graduate. Sad to say, good to know, I have absolutely no interest in what I am studying. I don't want to know what the Power can do, I don't want to know Norton, Thenevin, in short I don't want to have anything to do with circuits. It's sad to say I've been a follower in my choice of path and amid too late to realise it now since the acadamic year has start, fees have been paid and efforts put in. Nevertheless I will continue to put in effort to last the distance till the end of this semsester, sit down take a look what the fuck I have been doing and explore my options for the next half of the semester.
Yesterday it suddenly came into my mind teaching as a career. I don't know but it just came suddenly as a viable option rather than going thru the motion of doing something for the sake of "getting that engineering degree so that I can have a $2.8 K salary/month and I can do alot of other stuffs if I don't want to be in engineering field" in future..
But alas, would that be wasting 1 entire year waiting for the new acadamic year to start? There are also many important points to consider...I will wait till the end of the 1st sem exam before deciding. It's a journey to the unknown. i hope I can find some light to it.
The entire recess week have been spent studying/mugging for our quizzes for the coming next week.
Generally our schedule is: wake up at 12noon, eat, study from 1 - 6pm, eat, then study from 8-1am..
Frankly speaking, I've been having most of my meal at Can 2 till I'm so sick and tired of it..grrr
With 3 more quizzes this coming week, 2 on Wed, 1 on Friday, the struggles shall continue..
On the bright side on life, I will be getting my NYAA gold award from the President on thursday, amid wrong timing because I got Math quiz on friday! Dammit...
But after Friday is Mid Autumn Festival! Therefore, I can give myself a excuse to take a break and catch a breather.
Chang-errrrr...wait for me K!
